


Snowdrops

by Bored_trash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Christmas, Coming Out, First Kiss, First Love, I'm Sorry, Letter, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 12:32:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12432927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bored_trash/pseuds/Bored_trash
Summary: It's been a year since I saw you last. Im not going to lie and act like I'm okay, like everything's fine. Because it's not. I miss you, and I think about you everyday. Sometimes, when I'm shopping, I'll put something in my cart, thinking 'Suga will love this'. And then I remember where you are. You're not with me anymore. And you know what? The pain I feel when I put whatever it is, the chocolate, the sweets, whatever, back onto the shelf is the most exquisite I've ever felt in my life.





	Snowdrops

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyuu!!

Suga,

It's been a year since I saw you last. Im not going to lie and act like I'm okay, like everything's fine. Because it's not. I miss you, and I think about you everyday. Sometimes, when I'm shopping, I'll put something in my cart, thinking 'Suga will love this'. And then I remember where you are. You're not with me anymore. And you know what? The pain I feel when I put whatever it is, the chocolate, the sweets, whatever, back onto the shelf is the most exquisite I've ever felt in my life. 

I remember when we first met in high school, at the volleyball club. I was so nervous for the tryouts, so worried that I wouldn't make the team. I was obviously terrified - I was shaking, sweating, close to tears, even - but then my eyes met yours, and you smiled at me, and in that moment I felt like all the problems in the world had been solved. 

We paired up for drills that practice. I was still nervous, but you somehow managed to keep me calm. Every time I'd receive or set something well, you'd say something like 'Nice, Sawamura" and I'd feel the purest of bliss. 

After practice, we talked more. About family, friends,our old schools. You told me how you wanted to be the team's setter. I told you I wanted to be the captain in third year. We both assured each other that we'd achieve our goals. And then, after that, we arranged to meet up on the weekend to play video games, something like that. 

After a few months, Asahi started joining us too, and we became close friends. At first, I thought we were going to be good friends - nothing more. But I should've known better. The first time I laid eyes on you, I thought you were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. It's impossible to be 'just friends' with the most beautiful person on Earth. Believe me, I tried. 

At first, I tried to ignore my feelings. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could be anything other than straight. My family had always seemed disapproving of anybody who differed from the norm, so I was terrified to imagine myself as different to them. 

But you kept on being you. And I couldn't resist. 

The day we started dating was the day I came out. It was Valentine's Day of our second year of high school. I'd been working up the nerve to do this since Christmas, and I was even more scared than I was on that fateful first day of practice. I clutched a note in my hand. It said something ridiculously soppy, some poem or quote about love, I don't remember. The only thing I do remember was that in the last sentence I had written 'don't hate me, please'. 

With shaking hands, I slid the note into your locker. That whole day, I was a nervous wreck. Couldn't focus on anything. I considered faking sick to go home, but I knew I'd have to face up to what I'd done eventually. 

So I went to practice after school, half of me praying you hadn't read it, half of me praying you had. You were late, I remember that much. My mind immediately skipped to worst case scenarios. You'd been so disgusted by my letter you had to leave school. You'd been so embarrassed you'd transferred to another high school. All of these worst-case scenarios were flying around my head when you poked your head in through the door. 

A burst of cold air followed you, but the room felt like a volcano now that you were there. You walked up to me, stood beside me, and whispered - "I'll talk to you after practice".

Through the whole of practice, I tried to act normal. But I was completely distracted by you. I kept trying to analyse your expressions - whether you were happy, angry, disgusted, or scared. But I couldn't do it. Every time I looked at you another worst case scenario came up, and I couldn't help but look away. 

Finally, practice ended. We changed in silence, and then you led me outside. It was freezing out there, so we stood closer to each other than normal to stay warm. 

Finally, you turned and looked at me. "I read your note. I want you to know that I could never, ever hate you. I also want you to know, that I feel the same way." We kissed then. It was my first kiss, and I was overjoyed it was with you. Looking back, that day was both the most terrifying and wonderful day of my life. 

Third year came and went. I was team captain, like I'd wanted to be. You had been the team setter, but Kageyama had eventually replaced you. That kid was a genius. You knew that, but you still took the downgrade hard. I remember sitting with you in the gym, hours after everyone else had left. Your head was resting on my shoulder, and you kept on muttering "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough." I told you that in my opinion, you were the best setter I'd ever seen in my life. I told you this until your tears had stopped flowing, until you smiled again. I loved your smile. It was the smile of an angel. I remember wishing you could be happy all the time. But that's just not possible, is it? 

There are so many other memories. That Christmas, when we snuck away from our families to give each other our presents. You'd somehow got a piece of mistletoe, and put it over our heads. We kissed underneath it, you wearing the scarf I'd bought you, me wearing the gloves you'd got me. It was perfect. After, you dropped the mistletoe on the floor. I picked it up, and kept it. I'm putting it the envelope for this letter.

I also remember graduating high school. That day is so bittersweet. We were going to the same university, but it was the end of an era. The era that our lives had truly begun. We both cried that evening, holding each other as we looked through our leaver's yearbook. 

All these fragments, shards of memories are becoming too much, too painful for me. I'm going to have to stop writing now. I just want you to know that I will never stop loving you. I miss you so much, Suga.

-

I put the mistletoe into the envelope and seal the letter in. A decade of love is in there, summed up on a couple of bits of paper. 

I grab the envelope and write your name on it. Then, I leave the house. It's cold out - I wish I still had that scarf you gave me. I threw it out the day you left, in a frenzy of anger and sadness. That's one of my biggest regrets. 

My shoes scuff against the pavement, and stop. I look up from the grey tarmac. I've arrived. I open the gate, and walk over to you. 

Kneeling down now, I put the letter down on the ground, it's surrounded by snowdrops. I look up, tears fill my eyes. 

The grey headstone that is you lies in front of me, cold and unforgiving. "I miss you. I miss you so much, you wouldn't believe." I say. Crying now, I stand. My vision is blurred by my tears. I pat the grey headstone once more. 

"I love you." I say, as I turn and walk away. 

That's the most difficult thing to admit, now you're gone.


End file.
